Love vs. Sex - Talk About Marriage

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Yesterday, 12:38 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Louisiana Posts: 15	I know that for some people sex can be just that, sex. No emotional attachment to the other person is needed for them to have a good time. And for others there has to be an emotional connection in order for the sex to be good. Speaking for myself, I know that sex without emotion did absolutely nothing for me - yea I got worked up initially, but the true excitement wasn't there, and the finish, well there was none for me, and I would walk away from those experiences thinking what a waste of time. Only when I had an emotionally attachment to someone was I able to let go of my inhibitions and get lost in the moment. And the deeper the emotional connection, the stronger the sexual responses. Am I an oddity? How many other people out there are like that? For reference, my H had ALOT of sexual relationships before me, but he now claims that they were all of the physical nature and he never really understood there could be a deep emotionally aspect to it as well. BUT of course, he didn't walk away from these purely physical encounters as dissatisfied as I did with mine. In other words he was able to have sex for sex sake and enjoy it.
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Yesterday, 01:00 PM	? #3 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: USA Posts: 4,792	I feel the same as you SeaMaiden .... so does my husband. In trying to explain the WHY's behind feeling this as strongly as I do.... pieces of that can be found in this thread >> What I will Teach my Daughter about SEX...in relation to LOVE, her emotions, her life Some of my thoughts here : Quote: 2. I will teach my daughter .....Sex is beautiful thing ...but it has it's place, there is a time & a season for such beauty... it is meant to be shared between 2 people who LOVE each other. There is no greater pleasure God has given us on this earth, no emotional BONDING that has more meaning -as the giving & receiving in this way, that this act has the awesome potential to Create NEW LIFE..... that it should never be used casually, or carelessly, because of this very fact, It carries the greatest of responsibilities with it. It is the awesomest of the AWESOME. I will refer to it as "sacred" even. 3. I will teach my daughter not everyone looks at Sex as this Special. What she sees in the media, magazines, tv, music, hears in school, even sees friends experience - too often results in broken relationships where sex was ingaged in TOO QUICKLY, the "bad boys" being praised for their conquests, Girls giving themselves to these gamers in hopes "for love", women dressing to entice the hot guys -and for what ? Hearts ripped in 2, tears, loss of self esteem sometimes, pregnancy faced alone, Grandparents raising grandchildren, children growing up without fathers, a night of physical passion without connection? Rubbers can be worn but the brokenness that follows SCARS our entire societ 6.......Some women can enjoy Sex without an emotional connection... I personally can not understand this at all, I am greedy!! I would want BOTH, LUST is passionate & all Consuming -YES ! ....but I would want MORE from that man, I would tie myself to him, want to posses him , It would utterly DEVESTATE me if he did not feel the same as I, was cold the next day or ....gone. I will talk openly to my daughter about this side of sex also, and ask how she would feel about such things. Explaining MANY men can separate this, one night stands are common. But I will always believe, overwhelmingly more women get HURT by these, loosing a part of themselves along the way. 8. I will teach my daughter there is a heavy EMOTIONAL side to sex.... Sex releases certain chemicals in our brains that change the way we think ...the hormones released work to bond us to our partner, it's like gluing two pieces of paper together. If you tried to tear those pages apart, the break wouldn't be a clean one. The same kind of thing happens when there's a breakup in a sexual relationship. These break ups can be as painful as mini-divorces. If this happens over & over & over, it has a way of de-personalizing our emotions. __________________ ~ Passion and purpose go hand in hand. When you discover your purpose, you will normally find it?s something you?re tremendously passionate about. ~ Steve Pavlina
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Yesterday, 03:18 PM	? #7 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 26	My guy friends have often teased me about my view that I wanted/needed to be emotionally involved BEFORE becoming sexually involved. I've had one or two casual encounters, but always felt so badly after that I was dissuaded from continuing. Ironically, I now find myself with a woman who seems just the opposite. She claims to prefer sex with somebody she cares about, but that certainly did not prevent her from all manner of sexual liaisons. She had always held herself out as fairly old fashioned, but that was a ruse that she contrived because she knew that I was fairly old fashioned. I ultimately discovered that she many, many partners. She was prone to sex with coworkers, friends, casual acquaintances, boyfriends of friends, etc. Through pure (bad) luck, I happened to sit down at our shared computer and discover a brand new email to her from a guy on the west coast asking her if she was interested in a no-strings-attached sexual arrangement. She had not lived in California for years at that time, and insisted that she had only ever met him once at a dating event. I found it odd that a guy would reach out to a woman, suggesting an NSA arrangement, entirely out of the blue. But at that point, I really couldn't bear to know any more about her cavalier approach to sex, so I didn't press her on the matter.
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Yesterday, 03:35 PM	? #8 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Louisiana Posts: 15	TheOnceler - my husband was like that when I met him, although he portrayed himself to be different. I don't know if it was MY attitude towards sex that made him stand back a bit or not. But later when we talked about it he said that he was very anxious to have sex right away because for him it was more of a "tester" to see if we were compatible. Because I refused to hop straight into bed with him it forced him to discover who I was as a person first, and he said that was actually the first time he "waited" for a woman. He said the first time we did make love he felt he was already falling in love with me and he had never felt that before with any one else (and he was 48 years old at the time). Of course he kept alot of stuff from me about his past (see my other post) and when he did come clean and tell me everything, it was a shock, it hurt, but at the same time, oddly, it wasn't surprising because of his attitude regarding sex when I first met him. Now I did have a relationship with a man a few years before I met my husband and that guy was also another one who claimed he never really associated sex and emotions together before me (maybe I have some kind of magical fairy dust, who knows LOL), but we went our separate ways and I heard that he is now in an open relationship with his current girlfriend. Go figure.
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Yesterday, 11:03 PM	? #13 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Louisiana Posts: 15	Quote: Except atleast women can sorta fake it if they are not physically aroused and still get some enjoyment from the experience. Faking it, for me at least, always made me feel, I don't know the best word for it - stupid I guess. I dated a guy for a little while, thought he was a nice guy, treated me well, but I never really developed feelings past a friendship for him. But I was beginning to think that there were NO compatible guys out there for me (dating at my age was quite a shock after my divorce), so I just tried to "force" myself to feel something for this guy. But sex was absolutely boring to me with him - it wasn't that he was a bad lover, it was just that I didn't feel a connection with him and I guess I was just "holding back". Interestingly when I broke up with him one of the things he kept saying was that he thought we were so good together in bed. But to me there was just nothing there. With my husband, even though we've had a huge bump in the road, I feel so close to him and have absolutely no inhibitions with him. I can honestly say that he is the best lover I've ever had.
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